April 2008 -  I would like to dedicate this article to my adopted daughter, Casey, who allowed us to love her and become her family.  I also want to dedicate it to the children in need of adoption in hopes they, too, may find a family to love and a chance to go home.


Luck has nothing to do with a day 21 years ago when we drove to the Minneapolis airport to meet our daughter for the first time. I can’t tell you how many times people have said to us, “She is so lucky to have you adopt her.” It always takes me back a little when I hear this almost common comment. I never considered her to be the lucky or fortunate one, as some would say, but that luck was more in our (her adoptive family) corner. I wake every day realizing the blessing this little girl brought into the lives of my family.

I still get tears in my eyes when I listen to the “coming home” stories that people tell while building or completing their families through the adoption process. Our daughter came from her home country of Korea. While anticipating the adoption process, we learned a lot about this amazing country and its people so that we knew and understood from where our daughter came.

I didn’t have the experience of getting to know our baby girl while she grew in my womb as I did with my sons. She spent her first six months of life in a foster home. I read everything I could about how this experience would be different. Would I feel a bond immediately like I did with my sons? Would she be able to bond with me or with us, her new family? At the time of her adoption, there was a lot of information available about how important the bonding phase would be in the years to come. I researched this in great length.

The adoption agency we utilized was very emphatic, realizing the significance of bonding in a child’s well being and development. They encouraged at least one parent to take extended time off work for bonding to occur in a natural, relaxed manner.  This was also strongly encouraged by her mother country, Korea.

Diane Lostrangio, Executive Director of New Hope Child and Family Adoption Agency in Seattle, declares, “Parents should devote as much time as possible to optimizing time with their child in the early months and first year. The first year is a critical transition period. I think of the transition and adjustment as being at least a full year. With older kids (over 12 months), you can view the transition time as far longer than that. When you are talking about an infant-toddler, expect a full year where getting that child transitioned is a high level priority in your life.”
Bonding is a process and takes time, lots of time! This is one time when quality does not make up for quantity. The first year after the child arrives is crucial. Some children may require a longer period of time than this.

Ms. Lostrangio continues, “Take time off from your job, if possible.  People tend to underestimate what the child’s needs are. Recognize that, in the early years of your child’s life, you’re not going to be pursuing lots of your favorite hobbies and pursuits. You are going to be spending as much time with your child and trying to build in those pockets of down time for yourself so that you don’t get burned out.”

I found that being the primary care giver for our daughter made a huge difference in how she adapted to her new country and family. I focused on meeting her needs with nurturing, loving, and caring motions. Even though she was old enough to hold her bottle, I always sat and held her while she drank. I talked, sang, and made eye contact when I was holding her. I made sure that when I dressed, changed, or held her that I talked to her face, utilizing a great deal of eye contact. I made sure that when she cried or called to me in any way, that I responded as quickly as possible so she could count on me.

It is important for a child to develop trust and to feel safe. I think many times we worry too much about “neediness” and put off our children so that we don’t “spoil” them. We create mistrust and uneasiness that can easily be avoided. Using love and gentleness while responding to their needs will create a feeling of safety which, in turn, gives them the confidence to start to step out on their own while discovering their new environment. They will build dependency, and for babies and children, this is a good thing!

Talking to adopted children is necessary as they need to hear the rhythmic feel of their new language. This is a major connection not only to you, but also to their new home and culture. Take advantage of the time when you are your child’s favorite playmate. Sharing age-appropriate games is also a great bonding tool.

Touch is important and will come as your child acclimates and becomes comfortable with you. It will take time for them to reverse the role and want to hug you, but that will occur naturally as you spend quantity time with your child.

Jayne Schooler, author of The Whole Life Adoption Book, states, “Attachment has been defined as the psychological connection between people that permits them to have significance to one another.”

Attachment, according to psychologist Jean-Pierre Bourguignon, is, “a learned behavior that begins shortly after birth and continues during the first three years of life. Attachment occurs over time and involves consistent activity on the part of the parent to meet the physical and emotional needs of their child. The capacity to form new attachments after the age of three is ‘often’ impossible, but is affected by three factors: the child’s own genetic disposition, the conditions and circumstances under which the child is taught, and the child’s teachers.”

Ms. Lostrangio talks about how you jump from the dream world into the real world when becoming a new parent through international adoption. “With international adoption in particular, there’s so much anticipation, buildup and so many hurdles to jump in terms of the dossier, the paperwork, the delays, and the ups and downs of what’s happening in that country, that a letdown comes after you come home. If you’ve traveled overseas, the trip can be exciting in and of itself. You stay in that country; your laundry’s getting done; you’re eating your meals out. All you do in that country is concentrate on your new child. The job isn’t calling. And then you get back to reality.”

Ms. Lostrangio, also goes on to explain how different the rhythm of parenting is compared to the rhythm of working. “Many parents that adopt are often older and established professionally in their line of work. They have the managing of work down pat, and are a little overwhelmed with the complexity of managing parenting.” The important thing she says is to, “give yourself permission to have a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. One of the sad realities for adoptive parents is that they don’t feel a lot of permission to have the normal mix of feelings that any parent does. Typically their process is very public - everyone has been pulling for them. They are taking a great deal of initiative in overcoming tremendous obstacles to become parents. Everybody presumes that this is the answer to prayer. We feed into the notion that somehow, a child, a relationship can completely fulfill us. And the reality of any relationship is that no one person is going to meet all your needs. Talk to any mother or father about a day home with a child. You love them but there are times when you get very frustrated.”

As with any parent, plan to feel overwhelmed at times. Knowing this and realizing that your child, too, will feel overwhelmed at times makes adjusting easier. You will just accept and move through those times and they will lessen as your child spends time with you.

Support is such an important piece of the puzzle with the adoption journey. Get to know other families that are going through the same process as you. Find groups that have families that have grown children of adoption so that you can learn from their experiences. It will give you foresight into things to come and maybe the tools to avoid some of the obstacles that may appear.

“Building a family is work, so gather your tools and get busy.” Would I change one moment in time with our daughter? You bet I wouldn’t! It was, is, and continues to be a wonderful journey. It has exceeded the expectations when I, for the first time, looked into those deep, brown, beautiful eyes. Yes, I know I am the lucky one!

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